The Danger in Safety

My parents are big proponents of safety. They pay their taxes, go to their jobs, don't curse too much and sometimes even go to church. They don't take many risks and definitely aren't interested in unnecessary risks. They are middle of the pack people. Followers not leaders, even if it makes them miserable. If they were animals, they would be cattle, sheep or gazelles where they could stay in the middle and rely on the herd's safety in numbers. The problem in our relationship is that when they had me, I didn't want to be a part of the herd, I wanted to be a wolf. 

When I was little I wanted to be an explorer, professional adventurer. I hated going to work with my Dad in his printing warehouse where there weren't windows and everything was different variations of gray concrete. It felt like a prison. My sister and I would sit on the floor of the break room where we wouldn't bother anyone and played with our My Little Ponies. The only exciting thing about his job was the vending machine full of candy that we were sure to get several sugary treats from while we were there to avoid our meltdowns. 

My Mom was a homemaker until I was around 10. I'm not sure if it was ever a discussion whether she should be a homemaker or if it just made more financial sense. Or if my Dad wanted to control her by limiting her interactions with others. We lived in the country and it was the 80's after all. Who knows. But our house was clean and we always had meals and she would spend what felt like hours in the kitchen chair seated next to the landline where she could twirl the blue plastic cord around her fingers while she talked to her Mom and sisters who still lived in the city while my sister and I played video games or rode our bikes.

Growing up in all this normalcy was nice, comforting and allowed me to dream of bigger and better things. They both seemed to like their lives from what I could tell, my Dad bossing around his coworkers and my Mom bossing around us, but I knew neither existence was the life for me. Originally I wanted to be a paleontologist or an archeologist. With the influence of Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park who would want anything different? Laura Dern's character in Jurassic Park was the coolest woman I'd ever seen, aside from Princess Leia. But as I grew my interests changed as all children's do, the list grew bigger and in some ways more realistic and more unrealistic. Zoologist, olympic swimmer, veterinarian, actress and writer were all added to the list. I started writing my own memoir when I was around 7. I remember sitting at my desk and writing and writing, always starting with "I was born on a" fill in the blank there, warm summer night, stormy summer night? I had no idea really, but at such a young age it only made sense to start at the beginning. Inevitably, at some point I would read my work, and just like my adult self has a tendency to do when encountering a first draft, I would rip it all up frustrated and embarrassed that it wasn't a masterpiece. 

High school was a challenging and awkward time as it is for everyone in some way. I joined the drama club and show choir which I enjoyed both things but I always had the sense I wasn't good enough to excel in either. In drama I never had many lines and was never the lead. Even in local community theater I was a part of the cast, but in the background, a townsperson not the Princess. In choir I did better but the solos always went to the beautiful girls. The girls with perfect hair, perfect makeup and could pass for 21 instead of 16. It was disheartening to put myself out there for an audition for a role or solo, a nerve-racking process, and watch it go to someone else, but as long as they were talented my bruised pride was nothing compared to how happy I was to be a part of the production. The only part that stung was the praise of my Mother after the preformances where she'd go on and on about how beautiful and talented the leads were with a required "you did great" to me at various points. 

By the time I was a senior in high school most of my dreams had been stomped out of me by some friend or relative. "Paleontologist or Archeologist, but Ashley you burn too easily in the sun. You can't work in the desert." "Zoologist? You know they just shovel elephant shit all day? Why would you want to do that?" "Olympic swimmer? You're a good swimmer but you would need to really practice and we don't have a pool, so." "Singing and acting? Do you want to be poor all your life?" "Writer? I thought you said you didn't want to be poor?" 

Really all that was left was being a veterinarian. I was still excited because I love animals, all animals, aside from snakes and spiders. I could deal with the gross parts when necessary. I could stick my hand into a cow or horse if the baby was breach. I was excited. My first job ever was at a local vet office. It wasn't glamorous, I cleaned the kennels of sick and boarded animals. I was scratched by scared cats. I gave baths to dogs that weighed as much as I did. I was deafened by barking. I collected samples of stool and vomit and tested it in little tubes of chemicals for the vet technicians. I came home everyday exhausted smelling like wet dogs and shit. All for $5.25 an hour.

In many ways I loved it because I was working with animals. It was the people I didn't care for. Quickly I realized I don't have what it takes to be a veterinarian. What truly sets it apart from treating humans. When you work at a hospital its illegal to kill your patients. But when you are a veterinarian it is an expected part of the job. A part of the job I couldn't and can't do. This realization made me feel lost in the world. I was about to graduate from high school and for the first time in my life, I didn't know what I wanted to do with it.

I didn't work at the veterinarian's office much longer after my revelation. I could do a lot of other jobs for minimum wage that didn't entail cleaning up feces. To be safe I went to college anyways, declaring journalism as my major, which changed later on in college. I took writing classes "for fun" because it was one of the only things I was interested in, one of the things I looked forward to, but I never considered as a career because it was too risky. Too uncertain. 

I wonder if my world had been flooded with motivation quotes like my Instagram now is, if I would have been brave enough to follow any of my dreams. Brave enough to tell my parents to shove it and done something that may have panned out differently. I loved college, it was a great experience, and I left with enough debt to saddled to myself that I had to get the first job I could to start paying back my loans.

I've been graduated for 12 years now. And I've spent those 12 years working to pay back the best 4 years of my life. The only 4 years I didn't feel like I was in a cage. The only 4 where I felt free and hopeful of the future. Yes lots of good things have happened to me personally since college, which is great, but day to day, professionally I am miserable because I played it safe.

I didn't write this to rag on my parents or blame them for my situation. I love them. They provided me guidance the best way they knew how, all of my actions were mine and looking back I now see that at any point I could have done things differently. The problem is I couldn't see it then, when it was happening, and every time I tried to do something differently, middle of the pack guidance would kick in from somewhere to stop me.

I realize now at 34 I haven't really tried at anything I wanted in my life. Thats the danger in safety. In order to be safe, it keeps you from taking risks. In all aspects of life. The desire to be safe can stop you from getting the tattoo you've always wanted. It can stop you from asking the person you've always liked out. It can stop you from trying new foods, going to new places. It can stop you from living. 

So here I am, writing this. Writing books in my spare time, and working on a  Podcast with friends. For now I still work my 9-5 job. I still attend meetings that I would prefer to sleep through. I, like everyone else, would love to be a NY Times Bestselling Author. To go on writing conferences, read excerpts of my upcoming work and sign some books. But even if that doesn't happen, at least I am trying. I am doing something. Even if its scary. Even if its not safe. And thats the first step to being a wolf.